My ex husband is dating a younger woman
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Message us for permission prior to making a meta post or it will be removed. Click here to message the mods. To the 20 year old that's sleeping with my ex husband self. I would be lying if I said I have achieved a complete state of peace and acceptance when it comes to this whole situation.
However, given that there's no going back from this, I have come down from my initial rage, fury, and embarrassing fits of sobbing, and leveled out at a more "mellow" simmering pot of emotion. I wish I could have been this collected the day you showed up with him when he came to collect his crap.
To the 20 year old that's sleeping with my ex husband : offmychest
You had a great time standing there laughing at me while I went off on the both of you. Admittedly, I probably would have been hard pressed to not be amused if I had been you at the frumpy woman with mascara down her face and blood shot eyes from lack of sleep. You saw me at my worst, my absolute rock-bottom worst, and you flipped your pretty hair and got into his car and I could see you both grinning as you back out of the driveway. I have never contemplated going to jail so seriously in my life.
The weeks that followed were some of the worst I have ever experienced. I went through a lot of emotions there, some really dark things I didn't think were possible to feel.
I tortured myself at night replaying everything over and over again, I found myself obsessively checking social media. The fact he just left, that he was somewhere out there laughing and happy, while I could be hanging from a shower curtain, it just completely broke me. I spent 15 years with this man and for what? Those are fifteen years I never get back, and now I get thrown back into the singles pot with the disadvantage of a lined face, the beginnings of gray hair, and the lack of all that youthful radiance that makes those second glances happen. It took so much time to get here.
A lot of group therapy sessions, a lot of one on ones. A lot of forcing myself to get out of bed, to clean, to shower, to rebuild my life in a smaller more compact way so that this gaping hole was no longer there. It was so hard to get over hating you. You were me, 20 years ago, but better.
You didn't care about me, or what your fun with him had caused. He was a broken man. He always was, really. He always needed more, an upgrade, another promotion, this years car model. Nothing was ever enough for him. I suppose I should have seen the pattern more clearly to realize that eventually I was going to need upgrading too. And the thing is, one day you're going to be me. Time stops for no one. You're beautiful and radiant now. But in 5 years? If he even sticks around that long. His need for something better won't stop. You'll lose the allure when you begin to bicker.
He'll stop calling you so often. He'll come home later and later. And then one day, you'll be sitting at home in your bathrobe, and a woman will call his phone. You'll pick up, and she'll say his name or petname in a sexy little voice and you'll know the time has come for his upgrade.
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You'll stand in the kitchen, mascara down your face, hair a mess, eyes bloodshot, and you'll watch him pull away in his new car model of that year with his new and improved younger, more perfect version of you. Sounds like they deserve eachother. What kind of empathetic black hole can be amused at someone's heartbreak? I can't even read books with sad characters without feeling upset, and I sure as hell can't feel happy when someone is in pain right in front of me.
I bet their fights are going to be horrific, bitter things with thrown insults, words said that can't be taken back, and never forgotten.
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Find a kind person to share your life with; sex isn't enough to plaster over emotional damage. Depends what he's told the new plaything. He could be spinning a load of terrible tales and she's eating them up. She is young, and it sounds like she hasn't experienced genuine heartache before, especially if she's willing to sleep with a married man. She will learn one day how despicable her actions are.
Once a Cheater...
She will be the one standing in the driveway, crying. I hope the new one has more class than she does. I am not trying to get on the bandwagon of the good guys, but she will definitely learn that she's NOT the one in control, in due time. The 4 years in this period pack a lot of maturity. I'll be 31 this year and I couldn't picture dating someone who isn't even old enough to drink a beer. People are shaped by circumstances.
There's no doubt about that. My grandfather created a business by himself and was married by the age of 16, but I am talking about the majority here. I matured a lot from when I was a sophomore in college. I am less judgmental, more humbled, and more aware of my strengths and weaknesses. I thought I was invincible back then. I don't doubt there are a lot of mature year-olds. It's just that people tend to be more mature, less-entitled, and more humbled when they're thrown into the real world after college. I think many people get caught up in the "me, myself, and I" bubble, and until someone comes along to burst it, they go on walking through life not caring about anyone else or their feelings.
I certainly agree with you. When either of them begin to tire of each other, the arguments will start and the needle that bursts the bubble will inch closer and closer. She's not better than you were. You dated a man your age, who was single.
18 Ex-Wives Give Advice to His New Younger Woman
She's gone after a married man almost twice her age. It took me so long to realize who really ended up losing in the situation, and this comment just puts it perfectly. I would never in my dreams have dated a married man and thought that would give me any favorable outcome. Just know that if he was able to cheat and walk out on you, he'll do it again, it's his nature. Just a matter of time. It's usually a sugar daddy situation, which makes it worse in this case. But people like to make "usually" always, which in turn is just ageist.
So long you're legal, you can date anyone of any age, no big deal. But going after a married man? That is truly fucked up. That said, we don't have enough information to know if she was a predator or not actively seeking out married men. If the Ex-husband is really the way she describes him here, I would say that he is probably the predator, going after the young and beautiful girls.
Because even though she didn't start it, she did cause the breakup by sticking through with him. People who do that aren't called "home wreckers" for no reason. She had every power to not only stop when she found out, but call him out on it and tell OP what he was doing. Not only that, but as the writing indicates, she took pleasure in OP's misery and everything. She's not more guilty. He is the cheater she isn't. He was already cheating with her so what is to stop him from finding someone else if she breaks up with him?
She could have told OP when she found out but he could also not have started fucking other women. People call them home wreckers because it's easier to blame the girl you've never met than the man you spent the last 15 years with. If she had broken up with him when she found out, she wouldn't be guilty, he would be the only asshole in the story, as he was from the start. Sure he would find other women, and yes, he could have not started cheating to begin with. But she knew what he was up to, didn't care about his behavior, and helped him be a even bigger asshole instead of trying to stop it.
IMO, she's just as guilty. She's not some impressionable little girl, he's not some 'creepy old dude'. She's old enough to date, she's old enough to make her own decisions. She knew exactly what she was doing, too. I think that it's fundamentally unequal in that case. I think older men going after much younger women are trying to prove something usually, often that they are still desirable by somebody that society considers attractive and therefore of high value. I think younger women going after older men are looking for power, money?